evil robot news

J.P. Morgan Chase, The Federal Reserve Bank, Bernard Madoff? No, no my friends, there is a much more fundamental cause of our current global financial doldrums. In a journalistic coup, Evil Robot News has scooped the world media establishment in discovering that the source of all of this disaster is, indeed, Evil Robots!

The sinister Kuka Robot, at the heart of the financial system "down under" and aided by the insidious co-crafters of the future robot mind, Microsoft Corporation and their wicked voodoo application, Excel...


"If you visit the Royal Australian Mint you will see very busy, large, orange Kuka Titan robot, tipping coin blanks for delivery to the presses, tipping finished coins for packing into boxes and impressing visitors.

Dale Rogers, project manager for the Materials Handling and Warehousing Project (MHWP) at the Mint, said that until this year the materials and warehousing functions were carried out in a very manual fashion with very little technology bar Microsoft Excel."

The cold robotic pincer of international finance!

Full Story at Computer World

The nefarious robot theocrats at Purdue University have put their dark minds toward providing more power plants that will one day be let loose in the wilds of human society to make tasty treats out of you and me, or as the Evil Robot Overlords will refer to us, their chattel, "Man-Jerky".

Thinly veiled as a "tactical biorefinery" we only have to remember the dark parable of our cute little buddy, the EATR Robot, to surmise the true purpose of this embryonic digestive tract of robot evil!

"WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. -

A group of scientists have created a portable refinery that efficiently converts food, paper and plastic trash into electricity. The machine, designed for the U.S. military, would allow soldiers in the field to convert waste into power and could have widespread civilian applications in the future.
"This is a very promising technology," said Michael Ladisch, the professor of agricultural and biological engineering at Purdue University who leads the project. "In a very short time it should be ready for use in the military, and I think it could be used outside the military shortly thereafter." [ If, indeed, there can said to be a "thereafter" -ERN ]

The burgeoning robot intestine!

Full story at Purdue News

No nation on Earth has had more philosophical and conceptual wargaming experience with Evil Robots than our esteemed Pacific Rim ally, Japan. One wonders then, why they seem hell-bent on liberally pouring high-octane fuel (in this case literally) on the increasing conflagration that is the coming downfall. They seek nothing less than to give the sinister power of Evil Robots into the very hands of their own innocent children. Repent mighty, mighty Nippon, repent!


"Giant Torayan doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children.” [via designer Kenji Yanobe]

The 7.2 metres robot was on of the biggest attractions of Roppongi Art Night (2009) in Tokyo, Japan. Not really sure what the designer means, but a fire spitting giant robot in real action is always a win in any events…"

Normally, Fox News Eating its own frequently venomous words would cause a poison hazard and , thus, be a welcome thing. In this case however, we find the media closing ranks around the Evil Robot Overlords and their coming empire of wanton flesh rending and ruinous human slavery.

While Fox News had originally reported that DARPA's EATR Robot, designed by the whimsical, happy-go-lucky folks at Robotics Technology, Inc., would be happily feasting on dead bodies "in the field", a robust snow job has been deployed to give the impression that the previous notion that the infernal contraption would feed on the flesh of soldiers (presumably enemies, but hey, what's the diff', right?), and whomever else's sanctified corpse might be lying around, was wholly erroneous.

Well it's good that we've gotten that all cleared up then, isn't it?

Hmmmmm, riiiiiiiight...

To get the true, Orwellian, flavor of the pining innocence of this sweet and cuddly device (armed with it's own robotic chainsaw arm) though, one must really read gingerly between the lines of it's very own product brochure. We're certain that you too will find this harmless, pacifist-hippy, vegan-bot to be every bit as innocuous as it's manufacturer's claim.

INCIDENTALLY:

Evil Robot News would like to make it known that we have recently taken possession of a tasteful and historic bridge that leads from the island of Manhattan to the New York Borough of Brooklyn, which we would like to now offer for sale to interested bidders. Please reach us via the site's "Contact" link to be kept abreast of the forthcoming Ebay auction. That is all.

Well, it would seem one would have to be fairly oblivious to believe that we weren't. The infernal engine of machine intelligence seems to be plowing ever forward through the already worn barriers of common sense and sanity, now don't it?

"There are only a handful of scientific revolutions that would really
change the world. An immortality pill would be one. A time machine
would be another.

Faster-than-light travel, allowing the stars to be explored in a human lifetime, would be on the shortlist, too.

To my mind, however, the creation of an artificial mind would probably
trump all of these - a development that would throw up an array of
bewildering and complex moral and philosophical quandaries. Amazingly,
it might also be within reach."

Just as it was the ill gotten seed of King Arthur's loins that begat his evil son Mordred, who eventually brought about the ruin of Camelot, so has the suspect old warlock that is IBM Corporation robbed us of our own generative seed to add to its boiling cauldron of Evil Robot madness! Woe!

"As chip geometries get infinitesimally small, IBM is looking to DNA to make the manufacture of future chips feasible.

On Monday, IBM researchers and collaborator Paul W.K. Rothemund, of the California Institute of Technology, announced an advancement of a method to arrange DNA origami structures on surfaces compatible with today's semiconductor manufacturing equipment.

"The cost involved in shrinking (chip) features to improve performance is a limiting factor in keeping pace with Moore's Law and a concern across the semiconductor industry," said Spike Narayan, a manager in the Science & Technology division of IBM Research, in a statement."

Like tiny iridescent human pearls before Evil Robot swine...

Full Story at CNet News

In a disturbing new turn of events, as reported by Lurch, our Texas Regional Correspondent, the dark masters ( who will all too soon become the dark servants no doubt ), have learned how to further impart the darkest instincts of mankind into their craven simulacra. What might be worse than an Evil Robot, you might ponder? How about a bald face, rat-fink, liar of an Evil Robot?

SALLY (Innocent Human Child): "Are you here to reduce my family to human mulch for the bio-bot compost farm?"

RAT-BASTARD, LYING EVIL ROBOT: "No, no, sweety, I'm just here to check the meter."

Yet another titanium alloy straw on the Evil Robot camel's back from our fiendish friends at The Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne in Switzerland. Who knew that all of that supposedly innocent watchmaking would come to this?

"Researchers at the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne in Switzerland have found that robots equipped with artificial neural networks and programmed to find "food" eventually learned to conceal their visual signals from other robots to keep the food for themselves. The results are detailed in an upcoming PNAS study.

The team programmed small, wheeled robots with the goal of finding food: each robot received more points the longer it stayed close to "food" (signified by a light colored ring on the floor) and lost points when it was close to "poison" (a dark-colored ring). Each robot could also flash a blue light that other robots could detect with their cameras."

In an astoundingly frank admission and a virtual case in point for the very existence of this website, the minions of the coming oil-stained ruin reveal their worship of the mecha-digital abyss over which we so perilously hang; with almost surreally naked abandon.

I suppose we should count our blessings and yet, doesn't this brazen report speak to a certain sense of..."fait accompli" on the part of these, the very nannies of Rosemary's Baby? Do you see those clouds on the horizon friend? There's a storm a' comin'

You tried to warn us Sarah Connor, but would we listen?

TROY, N.Y.—The hallowed halls of academia are not the place you would expect to find someone obsessed with evil (although some students might disagree). But it is indeed evil—or rather trying to get to the roots of evil—that fascinates Selmer Bringsjord, a logician, philosopher and chairman of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's Department of Cognitive Science here. He's so intrigued, in fact, that he has developed a sort of checklist for determining whether someone is demonic, and is working with a team of graduate students to create a computerized representation of a purely sinister person.

Much like the unwholesome image of Sean Connery sniffing wild stags on the rough winds of a Scottish beach, the Evil Robots are about to have the dark celebration of their own "Quickening". Nothing short of a milestone in Human/Evil Robot relations. In a veritable Summit of Evil, the black hearted scions of robotics are gathering to unify their efforts. There can be only one (Evil Robot Regime)!

THE UBot whizzes around a carpeted conference room on its Segway-like wheels, holding aloft a yellow balloon. It hands the balloon to a three-fingered robotic arm named WAM, which gingerly accepts the gift.

Cameras click. "It blows my mind to see robots collaborating like this," says William Townsend, CEO of Barrett Technology, which developed WAM.

The robots were just two of the multitude on display last month at the International Joint Conference on Artificial Intelligence (IJCAI) in Pasadena, California. But this happy meeting of robotic beings hides a serious problem: while the robots might be collaborating, those making them are not. Each robot is individually manufactured to meet a specific need and more than likely built in isolation.

The nefarious high priests of the Great Temple of the Evil Robot, seem to ceaselessly worship at the feat of their craven idol. It seems the merry pranksters at Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne, seeking no doubt their own personal blasphemy of dark, quasi-francophillic robots with the notorious precision of The Swiss, are working late into the evenings to imbue their monsters with ever greater intellect. Touche Monsieurs, touche...

"Are we humans – with our carbon-based neural net “wetware” brains – at a point in history when we might be able to imprint the circuitry of the human brain using transistors on a silicon chip?

A well-covered recent article in MIT's Technology Review reports that a team of European scientists may have taken the first steps in creating a silicon chip designed to function like a human brain."

The unholy meshing of things meant to be discrete. Oh the horror...

Full Story at HPlus Magazine